Real estate is often one of the largest assets of a marriage. As such, consulting clients often  ask what will happen with their house. This question has two possible answers to it: one party may keep it and buy the other out, or the parties can sell the property and divide the net proceeds equitably. There are two steps important to either decision.
#1: Valuing the property
First, the value of the home needs to be determined. If the property is going to be sold, the realtor will generally assist the parties in determining the market price. If one party is going to keep the house, he or she will use the valuation to determine the funds necessary to buy out the other partner’s equity, which is determined by obtaining the value of the home and subtracting the outstanding mortgage. 

This sound straightforward, but it can be complicated when the parties do not agree on the value. If the parties cannot agree, there are a few resources that can help: Zillow, market comps from a realtor, or hiring one (or multiple) private appraisers. If the matter proceeds to trial, the court is likely to give more weight to an appraisal than a comparative market analysis. 

​#2: Paying for repairs
Regardless of the decision of sale or buy-out, repairs to the home may need to be made. There are a number of ways this can be accomplished. Some couples split the agreed upon costs equally or proportionate to their respective income. Sometimes, the higher wage earning spouse will pay the costs upfront, and then at the close of escrow, that party will receive a percentage of the costs paid prior to the parties dividing the net proceeds. In some instances, the spouse retaining the residence will assume responsibility for repair costs.

Should You Keep the House? 
I normally advise my clients against keeping the home unless there are special accommodations that have been made to the residence for disabled family members. My typical reasons for selling, which are completely dictated by logic alone, include: 

1. Increased legal costs. It will likely be a fight (and result in increased attorney fees) to get the other spouse to pay for a portion of the repairs needed.
2. Unfair realty fees. The buy-out of the other spouse’s interest is inflated, because it will not include the costs incurred for selling the home, which means when you do sell the house all of the costs will be on the party who kept the home.
3. Refinancing. When one spouse assumes 100% of the mortgage alone, they may encounter an increased interest rate, which over time, can be incredibly expensive.
4. Mental health. There are a number of articles and studies that suggest when a party is getting divorced, it is mentally healthy to establish new routines and avoid triggering thoughts. Remaining in the marital home will trigger thoughts, both positive and negative, at random moments that will impede your ability to move forward in a healthy manner. 

Despite my compelling logical arguments, the reality is that selling your home can be a highly emotional decision. Because of this, some clients forego logical considerations in favor of emotional ones. Each person needs to do what will make them happiest moving forward. I hope these facts can help in that decision making process.

You want to find the best attorney. You talk to friends. To colleagues. They pass you some names of promising candidates. You Google: ‘best family law attorney arizona’, ‘best divorce lawyer arizona’, ‘best child custody lawyer phoenix’. You search ratings on AVVO, Lawyers.com, and Legalmatch.com. You comb websites. It’s JUST. TOO. MUCH. How can you really find the best lawyer? The truth is, there is no ‘best lawyer’; there is only the best lawyer for you and your situation. Attending to three things can help you achieve this: introspection, interviewing questions, and interview reflection.

PART 1: INTROSPECTION
First, here are two things you need to determine before interviewing any attorneys. These are things only you know - no attorney has this information. Although your expectations may change over time and across situations, YOU will be the one determining the course of your case:

1. Figure out what you really want.
   Do you want to go for the jugular by any means necessary? Or are you hoping for an amicable settlement? You need to know what your end-game is...and how you are willing (and not willing) to get there.
2. Anticipate what’s coming at you.
   What you want is only half of your story. What does the opposing party want? What are they willing (and not willing) to do to achieve that? How does this mesh with your desires?
   ​
   

PART 2: INTERVIEWING
Once you can answer those two questions, you need to interview potential attorneys who have the skill set and temperament to reach your goals within your parameters. Remember, YOU are interviewing THEM...not the other way around! You need to come to each interview prepared with questions, and you need to take notes. Here are 6 questions that I would always ask:

1. Tell me about your specific experience with ____________ (divorce, custody, etc.)
   I’m going to shock you right now. Any attorney is able to practice any area of law. Unlike doctors, teachers, financial advisors, and most professionals who have strict constraints regarding their breadth of work, there are no certifications or endorsements that confine practice areas. Scary, right?
   
   The only way to know what qualifications an attorney has with your area of need is to ask them. Ask how many cases they have had in your specific area. Ask how many years they’ve been practicing in your area of need. Whatever your situation is, be able to ask about it. A straightforward divorce is different from one that involves custody issues,  pensions, restricted stock, estate planning, minority business holdings, etc.
   
2. Tell me what areas you practice.
   Like I said above, any lawyer can practice any area of law. Someone who practices in only one area has the time and focus to be highly-specialized; whereas someone who dabbles in five may be spread too thin in the expertise department. Too many areas can also be a sign that the attorney you are interviewing is struggling to build a practice - definitely a concern.
   
3. What is your record with settlements and litigation?
   This goes back to the first two items in this post. If you desire a collaborative divorce, you definitely want someone strong in settlements; if you’re working a strong offense, you need a skilled litigator. Whatever your current beliefs, it’s good to find a well-rounded attorney who can do both. The winds of family law can change quickly, and it can be critical to have representation who can skillfully adapt to the demands of the day. Remember your intent is only half the equation your ex-partner may not be willing to settle or at least settle for anything you believe is reasonable. 
   
4. If you’re my attorney, whom will I be working with daily on my case...and can I meet them?
   Although your attorney represents you, they may not be the only professional helping on your case. In reality, you may interface with them the least! Most attorneys have a paralegal who helps prepare documentation for court. Many have associate lawyers who assist with your case. There may also be office managers and practice professionals you work with. Don’t feel bait-and-switched - this is how the industry works! That said, it’s critical to meet the team and know that you feel comfortable with everyone who will be helping you.
   
5. What is the standard for communication here?
   For day-to-day communications, how quickly can you expect a response? Will it be by phone? Email? Text? If there is an emergency, how can you get an expedited communication?  
   
6. Describe the fee structure for my case...and give me a ballpark cost?
   The vast majority of lawyers require retainers for their work. This is a lump sum of money you pay that they bill against as they complete work for you. No lawyer can predict the future of your case...but they should be able to give you a ballpark number based on the facts provided. This is important! You want to make sure that the cost of your case plan is something you can realistically afford, or you run the risk of not finishing your case properly. The last thing you or your attorney wants is to not be able to exercise your full case plan because of financial constraints.
   
   

PART 3: INTERVIEW REFLECTION
Funny...when I read through these items, they sound so much like the mental gymnastics we run through when we’re on a first date! As odd as that may seem, it’s entirely true. Mindfulness during the interview is critical. There is a very real gut-check that should happen on your part during these meetings. In the interest of helping you glean some crucial information during your lawyer consults, there are 6 key things to watch for and be mindful of during your interviews:

1. During a consult, it is poor form for an attorney to be distracted by other cases. This lawyer is trying to convince YOU to be THEIR client. Their behavior and attention will never be better than this moment...which is why engaging in any way with their email or phone is 100% inappropriate. Red flag! Get out! You need a lawyer who has the capacity to focus on your needs and an attention span greater than a middle school student. 
2. PROMISES. There should be no promises made in a consult...because it is impossible to make and keep them!  Beware promises - they are highly unprofessional and likely nothing more than a guess.
3. Speaking of professionalism, it is in poor taste for an attorney to negatively characterize a colleague during a consult. What they say may be true, but it’s downright tacky and smacks of desperation. If they cannot sell their expertise without disparaging a colleague..they probably don’t have much to sell in the first place.
4. How quickly did you get this appointment? If it took too much time, they may not have the time/resources to manage your case successfully. If they got you in shockingly fast, are they not busy...and why not? Snagging a last-minute cancellation can be a blessing, but a wide-open calendar is cause for concern.
5. How comfortable do you feel with this attorney? In addition to vetting them for their skills, you need someone who’s a good fit with your personality. This is someone you need to be comfortable being 100% candid with...can you do that? Do you like their style? Will you be able to be your best self with them? 
6. The reviews. How did that horrible restaurant you ate at get 4 Yelp stars? That is the state of reviews. I know many businesses who hire people to post reviews to inflate their ratings! I know movements that post phony, terrible reviews en masse to tank a business. Please do read reviews for potential red flags and accolades, but don’t give them excessive weight. In my experience, getting third-party endorsements from friends, colleagues, and other attorneys is a far more reliable method of checking quality.  
   
   

This is a scary time in your life, but hiring the right attorney can make this terrible chapter more bearable. I hope this helps you on your search to find the very best attorney for you. Good luck!!

Brittany Wong’s article in HuffPost, “10 Smart Back-to-School Tips for Divorced Parents”, offers helpful guidance to the lucky 90% of divorcing or divorced parents who are emotionally healthy and enjoy a reasonable relationship. Because the vast majority of my experience as a family law attorney comes from working with parents in high-conflict (HC) divorce cases, I see Wong’s article through a very different lens. 

If you’re new to the term HC divorce, it’s one in which there is ongoing, unrelenting malice between the parties. These divorces, and their post-decree needs, persist far past the typical window of divorce...and in some cases, the court actions never end. There are often allegations (both valid and unsubstantiated) of domestic violence, physical abuse, sexual abuse, coercive control, substance abuse, and mental illness in high-conflict situations that make them complex and volatile. Often, they include multiple no-contact orders and/or orders of protection. Child support and parenting time issues are battles and often the stakes are high for the children. Because of the level of conflict between the parents, they are unable to communicate effectively about their children without clear guidelines, 3rd party support and/or the threat of court sanctions.

​If you are one of the unlucky HC 10%, the back-to-school suggestions in Wong’s article are DEFINITELY NOT FOR YOU. In fact, most of them can be counterproductive and several can be downright dangerous. To help parents in HC situations navigate back-to-school time, I have reframed the suggestions in this article for you:

#1: Splitting Back-to-School Costs
In a HC relationship, this is unlikely to happen and will lead to an unproductive argument. The parent who pays support will argue that back-to-school costs are included in their monthly payment. Also, HC relationships contain constant accusations that funds intended for the child are not being spent properly.
My recommendation:
Make sure a provision exists in your decree that expressly states who is responsible for back-to-school expenses, outline the amount, and define the process for back-to-school reimbursement. 

#2: Create a Shared Google Account
In a HC relationship, this is nothing but a control mechanism. One parent will see this as the other trying to control them, and this will lead to more tension, fighting, and disputes.
My recommendation:
Each parent should provide a concise weekly summary of each child’s events and deliver this via email. This weekly summary should always be sent by a set day and time each week, and it should provide a brief summary of key events (school, medical, extracurricular, etc.) about both the past week and the week to come. I really like the ‘10 words or less’ recommendation for each summary item, as it helps parents stick to the point and eliminates emotional adverbs and adjectives. Each parent should understand and remember that written records are always key in the HC world.  

#3: Drop the Kids off Together on the First Day of School
In a HC relationship, this could end in a police incident. I wish I were kidding. 
My recommendation:
The parent who has parenting time is the only parent who should transport children to or from school on any regular or special day UNLESS there is an expressed agreement in writing in advance (good luck with that).

#4: If Your Ex Can’t Be There for Day 1, Text a Pic
For a HC relationship, this is terrible advice. I know it’s counter-intuitive, as it sounds so considerate on the surface. In my world, this will only be perceived as a taunt (“I’m here, you’re not, hahaha).
My recommendation:
Keep the picture for yourself UNLESS the other party requests it. If the request is made, kindly forward it without any editorializing; if they don’t request it, don’t share.

#5: Let Your Kids’ Teachers Know Who’s Who in Your Blended Family
This is ill-advised for HC situations for a variety of reasons. At the end of the day, there are only two parents with legal standing in the eyes of the school. 
My recommendation:
If it is critical for your child’s academic or social development to share information about your home situation, do so briefly and free of editorializing. ALSO, keep in mind the limited capacity teachers have for communication. Elementary teachers have nearly 40 students...and some have 80 or 120 in schools with specialization. I know of many schools who place a limit of 3-5 sentences for parent emails to keep the reading manageable for teachers. Finally, remember that legitimate safety emergencies should be called in to the principal or delivered in person...often, school emails are not read until the end of the day.

#6: Attend Parent-Teacher Conferences Together
In HC relationships, this type of interaction will only introduce untoward personal conflicts into the child’s classroom...not to mention be unproductive while yielding subsequent disagreements and conflicting accounts of the meeting.
My recommendation:
Most schools are willing to offer two separate conferences in extreme circumstances. In cases where this is simply not doable, or if you feel that it is an unfair imposition, arrange for an email or recording of the conference as an alternative.

#7: If an Ex Lives Out-of-State, Have Him/Her Call in to a Conference
This isn’t necessarily a bad idea if the school and teacher are willing/able to accommodate the request, and the parent can listen without interjecting, but an asynchronous recording would be just as informative while better minimizing the conflict that stems from live interactions. Plus, there is always a documented version of the meeting asynchronously, which reduces conflicting interpretations/accounts of the meeting.

#8: Set Times to Debrief Together
In a HC situation, this is an explosive idea that will lead to new arguments and accusations at best, and court orders and arrests at worst. 
My recommendation:
Abandon the commonly-touted practice of co-parenting (which surely isn’t working anyway in a HC relationship) and embrace parallel parenting. Co-parenting is not for you! If there is a court-mandated weekly summary, that practice eliminates face-to-face confrontations while still providing both parties with the necessary information to parallel parent effectively.

#9: Don’t Leave Your Ex’s Side out of the Family Tree
In any situation, a child should be responsible for collecting this information from each parent...as they are for all school assignments. Working from that belief, neither parent should need to contact the other for this (or any) school assignment...the child will lead this communication.
My recommendation:
Use the weekly summary provided by the other parent along with flyers, emails, and school portal communications to stay informed about homework assignments and projects. Each parent should be sure to sign up for all necessary school information accounts at the start of the year and maintain the responsibility of keeping themselves informed. Do not contact the other parent for this type of information.

#10: Create a Group Chat to Discuss Your Child’s Wins and Progress
NOPE. NEVER. In a HC situation, parties should seek to minimize, not increase, interactions and communications with each other. In fact, many HC parents employ a parenting coordinator to mitigate unfounded accusations and help keep those necessary communications timely, appropriate, and civil.
My recommendation:
I strongly encourage the weekly summaries described above. These summaries ensure important information is shared and documented while minimizing the never-productive contact between the HC parties.

I hope this helps parents in the 10% high-conflict world navigate the tenuous back-to-school landscape. Recognize that your situation falls outside of the intuitive co-parenting norms embraced in the mainstream, let go of those practices, and shed any guilt you’re harboring about failing to function like the 90%. 

• AUTHOR
  ​Jason Castle is a family lawyer who specializes in high-conflict cases. He's also a former prosecutor & social worker. Hear his latest divorce thoughts!