Valentine's Day during divorce can be...the worst. I won't sugar coat it for you. The divorce process is already stressful in so many ways. It is a time of loss that taxes your time, money, relationships, and emotions for months (and, sometimes years). This sustained assault on so many different fronts may not leave you with much tolerance for expressions of love everywhere. Overpriced flowers delivered to gushing office colleagues. Tacky stuffed animal baskets at busy intersection corners. Hearts. Just everywhere. Chocolate-covered strawberries. Prix Fixe menus that ruin your meal plans. You. Just. Can't. WAIT - except the chocolate-covered strawberries. You might be able to choke those down.
If Valentine’s Day might be an emotional trigger for you, don’t let it sneak up on you. Have a plan! Honestly, this is true with all important dates and holidays during and after your divorce. Having a plan makes the difference between reinventing traditions in an enjoyable way and feeling victimized and hurt by the loss. What type of day and/or evening could you plan that might be enjoyable for you this holiday? What could drown out the obnoxious cupid-fest all around you? If paying the San Antonio Zoo to name a cockroach or rat after your ex (see my February 2021 blog), or repurposing your engagement ring don’t perk you up, perhaps some of these ideas, along with the sassy tone of the article from Midlife Divorce Recovery might!
“Most of the time, change is a good thing. Now, I think that’s what it’s all about. Embracing change. Being brave. Doing whatever you have to, so that everyone in your life can move forward with theirs.” ~ Ted Lasso
In September of 2021, The New York Times reported that divorces are on the rise. It’s unclear whether this is a direct result of the pandemic, a side effect of the courts being slowed by it, or a combination of both, but the surge is real in many cities and states. Add to that reality that January, in a non-pandemic year, is so notorious for presenting a significant increase in divorce filings that it has been nicknamed 'divorce month'. Although the pandemic has changed people’s lives and perceptions, the core reasons for divorce remain constant.
If you’re wondering why people seek divorce, Laura Wasser, the famous California attorney who represented Kim Kardashian, Ryan Reynolds, Maria Shriver, and others, has a robust article, including research, that answers that question: conflict and arguing, lack of commitment, infidelity, lack of intimacy, poor communication, domestic violence, irreconcilable moral views, lack of shared interests, substance addiction, absence of love, financial problems, marrying too young, and inequity of responsibilities in the relationship. The Power of Two dials in on some dangerous relationship situations that are signs a divorce is healthy when one or both partners refuses to change: emotional abuse, physical abuse, addiction, repeated cheating, mistreatment of children, and an untreated mental disorder.
Whatever the situation in a particular relationship, DivorceMag has some helpful advice about steps to take once someone decides that efforts to save the marriage have not worked. They suggest that people:
Know what makes the holidays tough? Supply chain problems. Amazon delivery theft. Parking snarls at large malls. Procrastination in general. If you’re like me, you’re trying to cross everyone off of your list to show your love and appreciation this holiday…but coming up short. During a year of personal upheaval, there’s extra pressure to show your biggest supporters how much you appreciate them.
If you’re in a pinch right now, I have ten low-stress, fast gift ideas for you that could help you overcome the overwhelm this holiday season! These are some of the favorite things in my own family, so I hope you can find a thing or two that would be just the right fit for someone in yours. I hope alleviating the shopping crunch will allow you to enjoy your most beloved humans this holiday season and enable you to be mindfully present in its most wonderful moments.
Recently, I was reminded of just how wrong these situations can go when a client, despite having an order of protection, was killed. An unfair truth of domestic violence is that victims often become responsible for keeping themselves safe. In the face of this reality, recognizing abuse and awareness of the real danger it poses is critical for victims, survivors, and their loved ones. At the end of the day, an order of protection is only a piece of paper. If the 'recognizing abuse' signs above apply to your own situation or that of a loved one, please work closely with professionals to ensure safety.
When you have children with an abuser, even after divorce, these situations become even more dangerous and difficult to manage if there are exchanges of children that force you to be in vulnerable situations. I highly recommend, if you are in this position, that you have someone make the exchanges on your behalf, have the exchanges at a public place, and conduct the exchanges without any communication or interaction. Finally, I strongly recommend that you visibly record the exchange. You want an abuser to know the exchange is being recorded to minimize the chance of his or her acting out.
Join me in standing up for domestic violence victims and survivors by supporting the Governor’s Office of Youth, Faith, and Family in bringing awareness to our domestic violence crisis through a variety of #LightingAZPurple events this month. It kicks off with the October 4th Purple Kickoff Event and offers a variety of ways you can bring visibility to the cause...along with helpful resources for anyone seeking safety from domestic abuse for themselves or a loved one.
There have been many articles published in the past few months that ilIustrate the toll that COVID has taken on families. I recently read an article in U.S. News titled "A Vaccine or This Marriage: Conspiracy Theories Are Tearing Couples Apart" by Jesselyn Cook. In it, one of the interviewed parties reported that her husband said, “If I take the vaccine I could pack my bags and leave his kids here.”
As a divorce attorney I have not heard this exact scenario, but it also did not surprise me. The COVID pandemic, and all that has come with, has caused a tremendous amount of stress in families, and many Americans are polarized about the vaccine. A marriage with a highly opinionated spouse that is convicted to a belief very easily could put a partner in a position whereby they have to choose whether or not they are equally convicted. This tension very well may lead to one spouse filing for divorce.
Over the years, I have seen the issue of whether or not to have a child vaccinated lead to litigation. In a divorced family in which the parents share joint legal decision-making authority, if the parents are not in agreement on whether or not to have the child vaccinated and both parents are strongly entrenched in their respective position, it is left the court to make that decision. The truth is that judges have different opinions on the necessity to vaccinate or not, and in Arizona, there is no standard, consistent response required by the court. One thing that is consistent is that disagreements like this often lead to high litigation costs that may or may not be seen as reasonable by the court.
In a situation whereby one parent has sole legal decision-making authority, the court will decline to override that parent's choice, as there is a strong argument that making the decision infringes on that parent’s Constitutional right to parent. I only add this to highlight the fact that there is a very fine line between government intrusion into the parenting rights and the court having the right to make decisions regarding what is best for the child.
If you have a story that you are willing to share, I would love to hear how this pandemic has affected you and or your family.
I recently read a HuffPost article about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie that shared Mr. Pitt finally (after 5 years) obtained ‘joint physical and legal custody’ in California. You read that correctly: FIVE YEARS. If you haven’t been following, Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie were divorced in 2016 and have 6 kids together. During the original divorce, Mr. Pitt’s alleged acts of domestic violence and substance abuse problems led to him being denied joint legal decision making and custody. Upon this new, recent ruling, Ms. Jolie has stated she will appeal on the grounds that the judge improperly excluded her evidence relevant to the children’s health, safety, and welfare. Reading this quick article made me think of a few points to consider for families in similar situations:
It is never over.
1. Despite any divorce being ‘final’, the fight can continue for years. These post-decree battles normally (but not always) involve children.
2. In Arizona, any time there is a change in circumstances that affects the children’s best interest, a modification can be made by the court regarding legal decision-making, parenting time, and/or child support.
3. When a trial court issues a decision, the parties are able to continue litigating either by motioning for a new trial or seeking an appeal. Also, although rarely done, a party can petition the Arizona Supreme Court to hear the case after an appeal.
Domestic Violence & Substance Abuse
1. These are two very significant issues that can have a major impact on the court’s decisions affecting the health and welfare of children...but don’t assume they automatically will. These issues are something that need to be introduced, evidenced, and fought for in court.
2. It’s shocking for clients, but you cannot assume that judges will understand the complexities of either of these issues or the impact they have on a child’s health and wellness. When these issues are relevant to your case, it is important to get experts involved to help educate the court about the specific facts and evidence in your case and the impact they have on the children.
3. The court’s handling of substance abuse in family law cases varies widely. Some judges strictly order random testing and treatment. A number of courts/judges, however, will essentially dismiss the substance abuse issue if the addicted party does something to seek treatment...even if it’s not completed. There is no standard practice. Few judges understand addiction and therefore misunderstand treatment methods and/or the necessity for ongoing monitoring to ensure the children’s safety.
4, Similarly shocking, regarding cases with domestic violence, the court often lacks understanding of current research of it, and there is no standard practice. Judges can be focused exclusively on the physical evidence (broken bones and blood) and not give proper weight, in my opinion, to the psychological, emotional, and financial trauma that occurs with controlling and coercive control. Again, it is important to bring in an expert to help educate the judge about your case and the need to protect the health and well-being of the children.
The complex issues of substance abuse and domestic violence, as found in the Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jollie case, can drag a case out for years. This is because they require the court to be involved over time as one or both parents receive the treatment and services they need to address the substance or domestic violence issues in the case. Ultimately, the goal of the courts is to restructure the balance of power to ensure everyone is safe.
I came across this excellent article in The Balance that provides an overview of various options for filing taxes depending on whether your divorce was legally finalized or is still in progress. As part of this overview, the article provides information about the IRS tie-breaker rules for determining which parent gets to claim a child as a dependent.
One thing that the article did not touch on, that I believe is essential, is how child support impacts parents’ qualifications to claim a child as a deduction on their taxes. This impacts many of my clients. As always, in Arizona, parties should, first and foremost, review their specific court orders for clarification on this matter for their particular case, and if you have any questions, consult with your attorney. Also, it is prudent to consult an accountant or tax advisor regarding your specific situation, as family law attorneys do not provide any tax advice.
The Arizona Child Support Guidelines, Section 27, provides that a parent who is not current with his or her child support payments by December 31st may be precluded from claiming a child as a dependent. As with all cases, it is important to check your specific court orders for decisions in your personal case. Additionally, the court can deny both current and future ability to claim a child as a dependent when there is a history of nonpayment of support obligations. Finally, a parent may need to obtain IRS Form 8332 to file with the tax return.
I recently ran across an article whereby the San Antonio Zoo was having a promotion for Valentine's Day, Cry Me A Cockroach. For $5, participants are able to name a cockroach after an ex to be fed to zoo animals. If your ex was a real piece of work deserving of extra attention, you can pay $20 to name a rat that is fed to bigger zoo animals.
As a human who has been accused, on more than one occasion, of having a dark sense of humor, I could immediately see why many of my clients would appreciate this opportunity. However, my attorney brain quickly kicked in, and I began thinking of how participation in such a Valentine’s celebration could easily be used against a party in court.
My own practice deals with a lot of high-conflict custody disputes. In many of my cases, one party is asserting that the other parent is not co-parenting and/or alienating. While on the surface, this may seem like small, harmless, fun, it could easily be evidence of animosity and the hatred in family law court.
I know...total buzzkill, right? If you’re committed to this idea because it provides any psychological relief, do so cautiously. It would be foolish to use actual names here; to be safe, I would encourage use of nicknames for all parties. Also, I would not share this with a single soul. Not verbally, and certainly not through social media or pictures. For anyone struggling with ongoing rage, I would encourage therapy. Anger and hate are very human emotions, especially during and after a significant loss, but you deserve to move past it into your next chapter! Working with a skilled counselor can help ensure that you have appropriately coped with a relationship ending and are able to move forward in a positive direction.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
With the tax season upon us, I thought a little tax information would be helpful. It is important to know that the rules of the tax game are different for the divorcing and divorced. Nerdwallet’s article 7 Tips for Preparing your Taxes in a Divorce and Kiplinger’s article Most Overlooked Tax Breaks for the Newly Divorced provide some good overall information to consider. In summary, the articles address critical issues like:
Filing Status: The decision to file singly or jointly can have tremendous tax implications
Statements: Gather your account statements (you should be doing as part of your divorce already)
Getting Help: If you need it, hire an accountant or a tax specialist
Support: Understand how child support and alimony will impact your tax situation (for example, in Arizona, alimony is not taxed to the recipient nor deductible to the payor)
House Planning: Tax implications can impact your timeline for selling and/or divorcing
Child Effects: Head of Household, Child Tax Credit, medical expenses, and others will impact taxes.
Property Division: Remember, these decisions will come with tax liability you need to anticipate
Overall, these items are valuable to consider and discuss with your attorney, and you’ve probably discussed several of them already. In fact, in complex cases we will often have an expert involved to help throughout the divorce process, which is something you should consider discussing with your attorney. However, most family law attorneys will tell you they do not provide tax advice. I always tell my clients to consult with an accountant or a tax expert to help them with filing and tax planning.
This is not necessarily divorce related, but it is an important notice for all Arizona drivers.
January 1, 2021, starts a new year, but it also brings in a number of new laws that become effective. One in particular, which will affect most people over 16, is the new hands-free law that precludes anyone from using a portable wireless communication device (PWCD) while operating a vehicle. The law falls under A.R.S. 28-914 and applies to, “A cell phone, portable telephone, text messaging device, personal digital assistant, stand-alone computer, GPS receiver, or any similar device that is used to initiate or receive communications, information, or data” (it does not include a radio). For clarity, you can use these devices in hands free mode; in fact there are a number of exceptions, which include the allowable options like the following:
So, what are the consequences of violating this law?
Happy New Year...and I look forward to seeing you in 2021.
Jason Castle is a family lawyer who specializes in high-conflict cases. He's also a former prosecutor & social worker. Hear his latest divorce thoughts!